4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
