I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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