I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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