he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
