He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
