i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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