i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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