yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
