They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
