I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
