So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
