You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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