I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
