Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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