I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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