Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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