tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
