I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
