i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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