There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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