moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
