mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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