I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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