A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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