she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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