He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
