Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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