I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
