all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
