I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
