i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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