im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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