come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Can I color on your dick again?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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