this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
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I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
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I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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