I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
