Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
