I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
