I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
