i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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