Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
