I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
