The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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