we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
