there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
