I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Randomize
