walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
