You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i need some magic done to my vagina
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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