i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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