so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
