No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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