He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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