woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
