I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We had sex on a dog bed..
did you just send me my own nude
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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