Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
