I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
