a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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