I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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